These are the changes that 30 years can bring:
1984: Going to a new, hip joint
2014: Receiving a new hip joint
1984: Long hair
2014: Longing for hair
1984: Acid rock
2014: Acid reflux
1984: Wanting to look like Keith Richards or Meg Ryan
2014: NOT wanting to look like Keith Richards or Meg Ryan
1984: Getting a keg
2014: Getting an EKG
1984: Going to a disco
2014: Going to Costco
1984: Getting stoned
2014: Getting kidney stones
1984: Whatever
2014: Depends
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
IGNORED BY RONALD, THE KING, AND THE PHONE
Having turned the big seven-o this year, I have become acutely aware of a little thing called "age bias," primarily in the form of advertising. The 2 biggest offenders are fast food chains and cell phones. Watch any McDonalds commercial, or a commercial for Wendys, Burger King, etc,, and one would to the conclusion that either no one over the age of twenty-one visits fast food restaurants, or middle-aged and senior citizens have all been sent to detention camps.
Cell phone companies like Apple and Samsung, and phone services such as Verizon and T-Mobil are also big discriminators. View any of their commercials and one gets the impression that no one over the age of 25 owns a cell phone. All you see are college-age kids laughing, running, jumping and dancing. They either really love their phones and service, or they have prescriptions for medical marijuana.
These ads irk the hell out of me because they ignore an entire customer base. Walk into any McDonalds in the morning and you will likely see a few booths and tables filled with seniors, not to mention the ones who may be employed there. As for cell phones, I personally don't know anyone between the ages of 50 and 80 who doesn't own a cell phone. Many people in that age bracket are still gainfully employed as lawyers, doctors, execs and entrepaneurs, and certainly have a need for cell phones. But judging fronm the ads, once you get past college age, you drop off the face of the earth.
The magical age for advertisers is the 18 to 54 age group. Everybody wants to sell them something. But here is the irony of that concept. The biggest percentage of this country's wealth by age group is held by senior citizens. Surprised? Only a minority of us live Social Security check to Social Security check, or are forced to eat dog food.
So to Mickey D's and Apple, I say wake the fuck up and stop treating seniors like non-entities, or else we will sell our shares of your stock, and you'll be scrounging around for "dollar meals."
Cell phone companies like Apple and Samsung, and phone services such as Verizon and T-Mobil are also big discriminators. View any of their commercials and one gets the impression that no one over the age of 25 owns a cell phone. All you see are college-age kids laughing, running, jumping and dancing. They either really love their phones and service, or they have prescriptions for medical marijuana.
These ads irk the hell out of me because they ignore an entire customer base. Walk into any McDonalds in the morning and you will likely see a few booths and tables filled with seniors, not to mention the ones who may be employed there. As for cell phones, I personally don't know anyone between the ages of 50 and 80 who doesn't own a cell phone. Many people in that age bracket are still gainfully employed as lawyers, doctors, execs and entrepaneurs, and certainly have a need for cell phones. But judging fronm the ads, once you get past college age, you drop off the face of the earth.
The magical age for advertisers is the 18 to 54 age group. Everybody wants to sell them something. But here is the irony of that concept. The biggest percentage of this country's wealth by age group is held by senior citizens. Surprised? Only a minority of us live Social Security check to Social Security check, or are forced to eat dog food.
So to Mickey D's and Apple, I say wake the fuck up and stop treating seniors like non-entities, or else we will sell our shares of your stock, and you'll be scrounging around for "dollar meals."
Friday, April 25, 2014
GEEZER GAGS
At the funeral service the undertaker asked the elderly widow, "How old was your husband?"
"Ninety-eight", replied the widow. "Two years older than me."
"So you're ninety-six," responded the undertaker. "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
A 95 year old man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Hey, doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"But you're 95," replies the surprised doctor. "Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"Damn right it is," snaps the old man. "That's why I want it lowered."
An elderly woman goes to her lawyer to make out her will. In it she has two final requests. First, she wants to be cremated. And second, she wants her ashes scattered around Walmart.
"Why do you want your ashes scattered around Walmart? her lawyer asks.
"That way I know my daughter will visit me at least twice a week."
Finally, I am going to make a workout video for people my age. I'm going to call it "Pumping Rust."
"Ninety-eight", replied the widow. "Two years older than me."
"So you're ninety-six," responded the undertaker. "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
A 95 year old man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Hey, doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"But you're 95," replies the surprised doctor. "Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"Damn right it is," snaps the old man. "That's why I want it lowered."
An elderly woman goes to her lawyer to make out her will. In it she has two final requests. First, she wants to be cremated. And second, she wants her ashes scattered around Walmart.
"Why do you want your ashes scattered around Walmart? her lawyer asks.
"That way I know my daughter will visit me at least twice a week."
Finally, I am going to make a workout video for people my age. I'm going to call it "Pumping Rust."
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
SHIT HAPPENS
Saw this on a poster in Honolulu, and found it to be both funny and insightful. This is how various religions of the world interpret the phrase, "shit happens."
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Atheism: There is no shit.
Agnosticism: I don't know wherether shit happens.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Rastafarianism: Let us smoke the chronic shit.
Islam: We must blow this shit up.
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Atheism: There is no shit.
Agnosticism: I don't know wherether shit happens.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Rastafarianism: Let us smoke the chronic shit.
Islam: We must blow this shit up.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
EARTH DAY. BELIEVE IT OR NOT
Today is Earth Day. Started in 1970, Earth Day is celebrated to remind us that we are stewards of this planet and must be responsibl-e citizens in protecting nature. It also tells us that human beings are greedy, voracious, filthy animals whose primary accomplishments have been destroying the environment, poisioning the air and pissing in our lakes, rivers and oceans.There are those on the left who have actually said the earth would be better off if the entire human race was decimated. Knowing that would mean they also would be decimated, they have their own alternative solutions, virtually ever one of them involving more government, more controls, more taxes, and an attack on things that make our lives more pleasurable and easier--like automobiles and planes, anything electronic. California wanted to go as far as outlawing outdoor barbecue grills. Take that you brat loving bastards.
In response, there are 2 facts I believe would shock most people. First, we are told not to use paper because we're destroying the trees and clearing the forests. Well, here's the first shocker: There is more forest acreage in America today than there was 100 years ago, thanks to reforestation by those greedy profit mongering paper companies.
Also, we hear the cries abour urbanization and how we are paving over America, destroying the wetlands, forests and farmlands simply to expand the suburbs and provide highways for those polluting nasty cars. Well, here's fact 2 that may shock people. Between 94.6 percent and 97.4 percent of the land area in the US is undeveloped rural areas. I bet many of you thought that at least 50 percent of this country has been paved over.
Yes, we should respect our planet and not shit where we eat and sleep, but be aware that one of the biggest polluters of the environment are the leftwing liars who fill the air with their bullshit.
In response, there are 2 facts I believe would shock most people. First, we are told not to use paper because we're destroying the trees and clearing the forests. Well, here's the first shocker: There is more forest acreage in America today than there was 100 years ago, thanks to reforestation by those greedy profit mongering paper companies.
Also, we hear the cries abour urbanization and how we are paving over America, destroying the wetlands, forests and farmlands simply to expand the suburbs and provide highways for those polluting nasty cars. Well, here's fact 2 that may shock people. Between 94.6 percent and 97.4 percent of the land area in the US is undeveloped rural areas. I bet many of you thought that at least 50 percent of this country has been paved over.
Yes, we should respect our planet and not shit where we eat and sleep, but be aware that one of the biggest polluters of the environment are the leftwing liars who fill the air with their bullshit.
Monday, April 21, 2014
MILK ON THE KNEES
A study conducted by the US National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, and published in Arthritic Care & Research, is good news for you milk drinkers.
The study involved over 2,000 people, 1200 of them women, all with arthritis in their knees. Their daily dietary habits were recorded, and their knees carefully diagnosed every 12 months for 4 years. The 4 year study found that the women who consumed the most milk had the slowest amount of knee deterioration due to arthritis. As for the guys--fuggetaboutit! Milk consumption had no effect on men. Estrogen, the female hormone, is believed to have aided in warding off the adverse effects of arthritis. Also, milk products, like cheese, had no beneficial effect in fighting the disease, and the fat content may actually hasten the damage done by the disease.
Approximately 27 million Americans 25 years of age and older are afflicted with arthritis, but for some unknown reason,arthritis of the knees is worse in women. As of yet, researchers don't know exactly how or why milk helps. But whatever the reason, ladies, grab an extra glass of the cow juice and protect those beautiful knees. As for us guys, we can always hope they find a cure in a good bottle of aged Scotch.
The study involved over 2,000 people, 1200 of them women, all with arthritis in their knees. Their daily dietary habits were recorded, and their knees carefully diagnosed every 12 months for 4 years. The 4 year study found that the women who consumed the most milk had the slowest amount of knee deterioration due to arthritis. As for the guys--fuggetaboutit! Milk consumption had no effect on men. Estrogen, the female hormone, is believed to have aided in warding off the adverse effects of arthritis. Also, milk products, like cheese, had no beneficial effect in fighting the disease, and the fat content may actually hasten the damage done by the disease.
Approximately 27 million Americans 25 years of age and older are afflicted with arthritis, but for some unknown reason,arthritis of the knees is worse in women. As of yet, researchers don't know exactly how or why milk helps. But whatever the reason, ladies, grab an extra glass of the cow juice and protect those beautiful knees. As for us guys, we can always hope they find a cure in a good bottle of aged Scotch.
Friday, April 18, 2014
MENTAL STIMULATION AND ICE FORMATION
The Journal of Occupational Health Psychology published a recent study that found that people who had the most mentally stimulating jobs were more likely to stay mentally sharp after they retire. The theory is that the harder the brain works, the more neurons it creates, which protect against neuron loss later in life. Jobs that require information gathering, analysis and problem solving are the most beneficial. Repetitive occupations, such as assembly line workers, provide the least stimulation. For those people, it becomes imperative that they engage in mentally stimulating activities outside of work. Card playing, reading, charitable work, and night courses would provide the needed mental challenges to keep them sharp in their retirement years.
Another reason I do not believe in global warming: Using satellite radar, scientists have discovered that instead of losing 21 billion tons of ice yearly, Antarctica is actually accumulating 27 billion tons of ice. Go figure.
Another reason I do not believe in global warming: Using satellite radar, scientists have discovered that instead of losing 21 billion tons of ice yearly, Antarctica is actually accumulating 27 billion tons of ice. Go figure.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
WHAT IF YOUR DAD...
Since this is now the baseball season, I think it's a good time for some baseball humor and a lesson in one of life's truths.
A man named Sam saw his 15 year old neighbor, Todd, wearing a Chicag Cubs baseball cap. Sam asked the boy, "Why are you wearing a Chicago Cubs cap?"
"Because my Mom and Dad are Cubs fans," Todd replied.
"That's not a good reason," Sam said. "Don't follow other people.You have to think for yourself. What if your father was a drug dealer and your mother was a prostitute?"
"In that case," Todd replied, "I'd be a Chicago White Sox fan."
A man named Sam saw his 15 year old neighbor, Todd, wearing a Chicag Cubs baseball cap. Sam asked the boy, "Why are you wearing a Chicago Cubs cap?"
"Because my Mom and Dad are Cubs fans," Todd replied.
"That's not a good reason," Sam said. "Don't follow other people.You have to think for yourself. What if your father was a drug dealer and your mother was a prostitute?"
"In that case," Todd replied, "I'd be a Chicago White Sox fan."
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
THE WORST PIECE OF...
For many people, middleage means hearing loss. The following is an example of the problems it can cause.
A middleaged married couple were driving to the supermarket when the husband sees the flashing lights of a cop car in his rear view mirror. He immediately pulls over. A veteran cop saunters up to the car and says, "Drivers license and registration, please."
The wife, who is hard of hearing, leans over to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION."
The cop looks at the drivers license and begins to chuckle. "I see you're from Schererville, Indiana. The worst piece of ass I ever had in my life lived in Schererville."
The woman leans over once again to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
A middleaged married couple were driving to the supermarket when the husband sees the flashing lights of a cop car in his rear view mirror. He immediately pulls over. A veteran cop saunters up to the car and says, "Drivers license and registration, please."
The wife, who is hard of hearing, leans over to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION."
The cop looks at the drivers license and begins to chuckle. "I see you're from Schererville, Indiana. The worst piece of ass I ever had in my life lived in Schererville."
The woman leans over once again to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
THE BITCH IS BACK
I have returned from my 2 week hiatus. My wife, Joyce, and I took a cruise around the Hawaiian islands. Needless to say it was fabulous. How can a cruise around Hawaii not be fabulous? All the ingrediants were there: sun, beaches, warm temps and costly meals.
We had originally planned to take this trip on our 50th wedding anniversary in 2016. The we started to think: At our age (not that we're ancient) anything can happen.This blog is about the aging process and all that it entails, and our thinking ran along those lines. Why not take this trip while we still had our health and the money? Once you're over 65, unfortunately, anything can happen. While Joyce and I are currently in excellent health, whose to say what lies ahead a year or two from now? When you're in your thirties or forties, you can think long range--ten, fifteen, twenty, even thirty years down the line. But when you're the big seven-o, that timeline obviously shrinks, so that there is a modicum of uncertainty when even considering a 2 year timeline. So we said, what the hell. Let's go for it. Now we have some great memories, and great pics we'll be eventually posting on Facebook. And maybe--just maybe--if we're still alive and kicking on our 50th anniversary, we may just take our other dream vacation: East Chicago, Indiana.
We had originally planned to take this trip on our 50th wedding anniversary in 2016. The we started to think: At our age (not that we're ancient) anything can happen.This blog is about the aging process and all that it entails, and our thinking ran along those lines. Why not take this trip while we still had our health and the money? Once you're over 65, unfortunately, anything can happen. While Joyce and I are currently in excellent health, whose to say what lies ahead a year or two from now? When you're in your thirties or forties, you can think long range--ten, fifteen, twenty, even thirty years down the line. But when you're the big seven-o, that timeline obviously shrinks, so that there is a modicum of uncertainty when even considering a 2 year timeline. So we said, what the hell. Let's go for it. Now we have some great memories, and great pics we'll be eventually posting on Facebook. And maybe--just maybe--if we're still alive and kicking on our 50th anniversary, we may just take our other dream vacation: East Chicago, Indiana.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR...OR NEXT LIFETIME
The 2014 major league baseball season is underway, and as a long-suffering Chicago Cubs fan, it means another season of frustration and disappointment. And baseball mortality. Let me explain.
I have been a Cubs fan since my parents took me to my first game when I was 5 years old. We sat in the bleachers, where I cheered my favorite Cub, outfielder Andy Pafko. That was 65 years ago. In the interim, the Cubs have not played in a single World Series, much less win one. The mantra for Cubs fans has always been, "Wait till next year." I have recited that mantra my entire adult life, assuming that the next season or the season after that, the Cubbies would put it all together. My confidence grew when the cash strapped Wrigley family sold the team to the cash rich Tribune Company. Better days were coming. Yeah...right. It was a couple of more decades of futility. Then the Trib sells the team to an investor named Sam Zell, who didn't seem to have a clue or the slightest interest in running a baseball team. Then Zell sells the Cubs to the Ricketts family, wealthy, successful and knowledgeable Chicagoans. Finally, local folks with deep pockets who truly cared about the Cubs. I was ready to start ordering my World Series tickets. Yeah...right.
Turns out the Ricketts took on so much debt buying the team, their finances developed ricketts. One of the most prominent, successful and profitable franchises in baseball became so cash strapped, instead of being run like a major market team, the Cubs were being run like a team from Tampa Bay or Kansas City. Since the Ricketts took over, we've had 4 straight losing seasons and attendance in freefall.
So here I am in 2014. I'm now 70, with another losing season looming ahead. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never see the Cubs in a World Series in my lifetime. And with that realization, my enthusiasm for the team has shriveled faster than Obama's approval ratings. I don't want to be that guy, who, on his deathbed, with the Grim Reaper hovering over him, says, "Wait till next year."
Yeah...right.
I have been a Cubs fan since my parents took me to my first game when I was 5 years old. We sat in the bleachers, where I cheered my favorite Cub, outfielder Andy Pafko. That was 65 years ago. In the interim, the Cubs have not played in a single World Series, much less win one. The mantra for Cubs fans has always been, "Wait till next year." I have recited that mantra my entire adult life, assuming that the next season or the season after that, the Cubbies would put it all together. My confidence grew when the cash strapped Wrigley family sold the team to the cash rich Tribune Company. Better days were coming. Yeah...right. It was a couple of more decades of futility. Then the Trib sells the team to an investor named Sam Zell, who didn't seem to have a clue or the slightest interest in running a baseball team. Then Zell sells the Cubs to the Ricketts family, wealthy, successful and knowledgeable Chicagoans. Finally, local folks with deep pockets who truly cared about the Cubs. I was ready to start ordering my World Series tickets. Yeah...right.
Turns out the Ricketts took on so much debt buying the team, their finances developed ricketts. One of the most prominent, successful and profitable franchises in baseball became so cash strapped, instead of being run like a major market team, the Cubs were being run like a team from Tampa Bay or Kansas City. Since the Ricketts took over, we've had 4 straight losing seasons and attendance in freefall.
So here I am in 2014. I'm now 70, with another losing season looming ahead. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never see the Cubs in a World Series in my lifetime. And with that realization, my enthusiasm for the team has shriveled faster than Obama's approval ratings. I don't want to be that guy, who, on his deathbed, with the Grim Reaper hovering over him, says, "Wait till next year."
Yeah...right.
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