SKIN DEEP

Canadian researchers who studied a group of subjects age 65 and older found that exercising just twice a week for 30 minutes resulted in younger looking skin. After only 3 months, the researchers took skin samples, analyzed them under a microscope and discovered that the skin layers resembled that of a person 30 years younger.

In ordinary aging, the outer layer of skin thickens and becomes dry and dense, while the collagen in the inner layers grows thinner, causing wrinkling and sagging.

When skin samples from the subjects were studied, it was found that exercise reversed the process. The outer layer grew thinner, and the collagen in the inner layers grew thicker, giving the skin a more youthful appearance.

So put away those expensive creams, and bring out the weights and running shoes

THOSE WONDERFUL STEM CELLS AND THE TOOTH FAIRY

Researchers in Australia have discovered that stem cells taken from teeth can be altered and grown to resemble brain cells. The hope is that one day these cells can be used to restore brain tissue damaged by strokes. Beyond that, they may possess the potential to combat brain cancer and Alzheimers disease. The moral of this story is don't give your teeth to the tooth fairy.

Danish scientists found that injecting stem cells directly into the heart can help patients suffering from heart failure. The stem cells promote the development of new blood vessels as well as heart muscle tissue.

Scientists at the Salk Institute have discovered a way to take  mammary stem cells and keep them alive in the lab. These stem cells are responsible for forming breast tissue. Scientists hope that by keeping these cells functioning, they can determine if they also play a role in breast cancer.

And to think some religions and politicians wanted to halt stem cell research. I suppose they prefer to deal with the tooth fairy.

WEIRD NUMBERS GAME

Every 98 minutes, a cop shoots a dog somewhere in the US.

56% of Americans own smartphones.

50% of the land west of the Mississippi River is owned by the Federal Government. 81% of Nevada is owned by the Feds.

84% of Americans have higher incomes than their parents had at the same age.

66% of Illinois residents were born in Illinois, while 68% of Indiana residents were born in Indiana.

60% percent of Illinois residents say they would like to leave the state.

Data fronm the Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration show that winter temperatures have declined by 2 degrees Fahrenheit over the past 20 years.

US air emissions have declined 70% since 1980.

5.6% of uninsured African Americans have enrolled in Obamacare. 11.7% of uninsured Hispanics have enrolled.

In a recent poll, only 7% of journalists described themselves as Republicans. Four times that number described themselves as Democrats. So much for fair and balanced news.

By 2019, white children under the age of 10 will be a minority in the US.

Drinking 3 or more cups of coffee a day could reduce the risk of liver cancer by 50%.

Finally, a science fiction writer from the 40's, 50's and 60's named Theodore Sturgeon came up with something he called STURGEON'S LAW. STURGEON'S LAW states that 95% of everything is bullshit. The man was a genius.

5 MYTHS ABOUT AGING

Myth 1: The brain shrinks--The truth is the brain does not shrink. Your nose and ears continue to grow, making it appear that your brain is shrinking.

Myth 2: Most seniors are so destitute, they're reduced to eating dog food.--That is false. Many of us prefer cat food.

Myth 3: Sense of hearing begins to fail-- False. We just don't care to listen to everyone's bullshit.

Myth 4: Seniors do not require as much sleep as younger people--False. Becasue male seniors have to get up 5 or 6 times a night to go to the john, we actually require more sleep.

Myth 5: There is less sex--False. There is just as much sex. It's just that the seniors aren't getting any of it.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 1984 AND 2014

These are the changes that 30 years can bring:

1984: Going to a new, hip joint
2014: Receiving a new hip joint

1984: Long hair
2014: Longing for hair

1984: Acid rock
2014: Acid reflux

1984: Wanting to look like Keith Richards or Meg Ryan
2014: NOT wanting to look like Keith Richards or Meg Ryan

1984: Getting a keg
2014: Getting an EKG

1984: Going to a disco
2014: Going to Costco

1984: Getting stoned
2014: Getting kidney stones

1984: Whatever
2014: Depends

IGNORED BY RONALD, THE KING, AND THE PHONE

Having turned the big seven-o this year, I have become acutely aware of a little thing called "age bias," primarily in the form of advertising. The 2 biggest offenders are fast food chains and cell phones. Watch any McDonalds commercial, or a commercial for Wendys, Burger King, etc,,  and one would to the conclusion that either no one over the age of twenty-one visits fast food restaurants, or middle-aged and senior citizens have all been sent to detention camps.

Cell phone companies like Apple and Samsung, and phone services such as Verizon and T-Mobil are also big discriminators. View any of their commercials and one gets the impression that no one over the age of 25 owns a cell phone. All you see are college-age kids laughing, running, jumping and dancing. They either really love their phones and service, or they have prescriptions for medical marijuana.

These ads irk the hell out of me because they ignore an entire customer base. Walk into any McDonalds in the morning and you will likely see a few booths and tables  filled with seniors, not to mention the ones who may be employed there. As for cell phones, I personally don't know anyone between the ages of 50 and 80 who doesn't own a cell phone. Many people in that age bracket are still gainfully employed as lawyers, doctors, execs and entrepaneurs, and certainly have a need for cell phones. But judging fronm the ads, once you get past college age, you drop off the face of the earth.

The magical age for advertisers is the 18 to 54 age group. Everybody wants to sell them something. But here is the irony of that concept. The biggest percentage of this country's wealth by age group is held by senior citizens. Surprised? Only a minority of us live Social Security check to Social Security check, or are forced to eat dog food.

So to Mickey D's and Apple, I say wake the fuck up and stop treating seniors like non-entities, or else we will sell our shares of your stock, and you'll be scrounging around for "dollar meals."

GEEZER GAGS

At the funeral service the undertaker asked the elderly widow, "How old was your husband?"
"Ninety-eight", replied the widow.  "Two years older than me."
"So you're ninety-six," responded the undertaker. "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

A 95 year old man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Hey, doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"But you're 95,"  replies the surprised doctor. "Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"Damn right it is," snaps the old man. "That's why I want it lowered."

An elderly woman goes to her lawyer to make out her will. In it she has two final requests. First, she wants to be cremated. And second, she wants her ashes scattered around Walmart.
"Why do you want your ashes scattered around Walmart? her lawyer asks.
"That way I know my daughter will visit me at least twice a week."

Finally, I am going to make a workout video for people my age. I'm going to call it "Pumping Rust."